Friday, September 24, 2010

Trust n' stuff...

I don't know about the rest of you, but this is something I'm having a lot of trouble with. Like a lot.

Sounds so scholarly and academic doesn't it?

Not only have I developed a strong ability to bottle things up, but with it comes the ability to trust no one. Yeah, I make them sound like some very cool super-powers but they're clearly not. In fact, it's the opposite and it really needs to be worked on. The reality of it is, I'm the only one who can change that. Anyone could tell me until they're blue in the face that I can trust them, and I still won't. Not at least until I let down my guard, forget the past, and just do it. Out of all the people I know, there are only a handful of people who I can feel comfortable enough with to say what's really on my mind, and know that I won't regret it, or get stung.

I feel like the people I should be able to trust the most, are the ones that I trust the least. I really don't like it when I say something, and it gets misconstrued then assumptions are made. When I say "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it", or "I say what I mean, and I mean what I say", I don't think people trust in me enough to actually believe it. I'd like to think that when I say something, it's pretty direct and I'm always more than happy to elaborate if necessary.

What drives me absolutely insane, is when people assume. Argh! There's nothing worse. Just think, if we all spoke openly and honestly, things would sting a little bit. However, the sting would hurt a lot less than if we were to shove it all under a doormat and go along as if nothing had happened. Assuming doesn't get us anywhere. We can't expect someone to know something without telling them, and they cant' expect us to feel or think something unless we say it. Even if you have twin-powers.

I strongly believe, it is up to us create our own paths in life, and find our own way. Nothing can make us happy besides ourselves. It's a lot of really hard work to be able to take the cork out of that proverbial bottle and let whatever is inside flow. Yes it's scary and it hurts that's why we bottled it in the first place. Just think of it as some kind of wine. We put it on a shelf to age and with age, it gets stronger. That's how all the bottled stuff we didn't want to deal with works, except it gets stronger in terms of being painful and scary. Now just think that whatever is in our bottles is carbonated and they get shaken up....We all know what happens....The pressure builds, and builds. When our bottles are opened, even just a little bit, it's a mess of epic proportions.

I feel like each time I put some trust into someone and they do something that causes me to loose trust in them, it's a few shakes in that carbonated bottle. At this point my bottle has really been shaken up. Picture a pop bottle on a trampoline with about 10 people jumping on it...That's a lot of shakes, big shakes.

I know that there are a few people who can start turning the cap on the bottle and release all that pressure. I can feel the gasses release (not literally) and the painful, scary stuff starts to surface...I immediately put the cap back on, and turn it tight. I know it's an opportunity for me to trust someone, but it doesn't feel safe, I feel vulnerable and end up hyper-vigilant. Definitely not the most productive thing.

I also try not to let negative things people say, get to me. Most of the time I like to think it rolls off my back, but nope...I put it in the bottle, the one that's been shaken. I guess it's because I speak with honesty and truly mean what I say, that I expect everyone to do the same. Why would we say something if we didn't mean it? So when it comes down to it for me, if they've said something hurtful, it's not that they didn't mean it, they meant it. Now the confusing thing is wether they meant it in a loving, honest, wholehearted way, or if they meant it out of spite, anger or whatever else they may be feeling. That, I can't tell, but it stings none the less.

I'd love to be able to open my bottle, and get the stale grape juice out, and put in something like rum, which is yummy and won't get gross. I hope you catch my drift. I know some day, I'll be able to trust again. But for now, I need to open those bottles bit by bit and learn to trust in myself that I can deal with whatever is inside those bottles. Can't say I'm looking forward to those crying headaches, but my heart will feel lighter, so I'm okay with that, Kind of. Maybe.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

(Elanor Rosevelt)


  1. Great post, and so true for a lot of people. I know I do the same thing. I've been trying my best to speak up when something bothers me, instead of bottling it, no matter how trivial it might seem, but it's hard. I do know that, when I do speak up, I feel a lot better.

  2. Wow, I'm glad that post kind of made sense. It was written at 4am after another fun-filled day in the ER. Thank-you killer migraine/subluxed neck and dysautonomia.

    I'm also glad that someone else gets it :)

  3. I understand your words. Whilst I agree that it is oneself that is responsible for personal happiness. I think that other people can be very responsible for other's unhappiness and should be held responsible.

    You sound justifiably angry, which may be a good thing.

    Commenting on the specifics of hurt feelings and let down is hard because you have chosen to remain silent. A choice I respect.

    The most important thing is self respect and despite the fact you wrote this at the end of a terrible day, which would make anyone feel so very low. Your words prove you battle on retaining self respect.

    I hope tomorrows are better and please accept a virtual hug from the UK.