Friday, May 14, 2010

Choosing to out-crazy the crazy.

I often find myself thinking what life would be like if it weren't so crazy and unpredictable. I'm not sure if I'd like it. I don't like stress, anxiety and insomnia just as much as the next person but I also don't do boring. This last week has been crazy and boring with nothing in the middle apparently just the way I like it. My body appears to be a reflection of that. I've been needing some kind of treatment (chiropractic, massage or acupuncture) about every two days for the last 1.5 weeks to keep my body moving forward and myself along for the ride. Thank you subluxed neck. I'm sick and tired of being bendy and tired.

My messed up neck has given me a lot of time to think, which has lead me to be on opposite ends of my emotional spectrum. I'm usually about to drown myself in a puddle of tears or I'm care-free. I prefer the later and that's what I'm trying to focus on. I'll be honest, avoidance sometimes works for me. It's not that I'm trying to avoid letting myself just "be", but rather putting it on hold. I have enough days where I could care less about what happens next, I might as well do something about it when I'm on the up-swing.

After trying to work this week with my neck, I have come to realize that this might be a good time for change. A change from a lot, firstly from work. I love my jobs but can't do them forever. I'm on to plan "C" and filling out the mountain of paperwork required to apply to school as a student with a disability. While at my geneticist appointment earlier this week, the topic of "what next" came up. I have my idea, and know that I'd be good at it but apparently I should be a genetic councilor. No thanks. Yes, experience counts for a lot that is not learned from a book or a lecture but I like being able to finger-paint and play at my job. The world already moves too fast, and we forget to just have fun with no strings attached. How much literature is out there saying that we need to let our creative juices flow, play outside like a kid again and take time to have fun ? There's a ton. Imagine that being a huge part of your job, and being able to share that with a kid who's stuck in a hospital and just needs to be a kid. That's my plan "C" and I can't wait to start. Mainly because I've been at home bored out of my tree and feeling like chewed gum for almost two solid weeks. I've had to let myself be upset about this but I'm trying to see it as a new opportunity and a place to grow.

I failed to mention in my last posts that because of my insane reflux I'm at a high risk for esophageal cancer.yay. Scopes, biopsies and countless appointments are part of this new-ish reality that I was hoping would be rare. Once again, avoidance helps. It helps me to forge my own trail and not look back to often. I know it's something I need to be aware of, but it's not something worth stopping life over, even if the outcome of those tests aren't favourable. Life with EDS can often suck, but I choose to keep moving.

Our bodies are in a constant state of change and most often it's not the good kind. It forces us to either sink, or evolve and swim. I choose to evolve and swim. That means finding new things to keep me happy, inspired and focused. Spending countless hours in bed made me really think about what I would be doing with myself this summer. Kayaking and climbing are of the question, it makes me want to vomit. Those are some of my favourite things in the world. I was inspired, had goals and couldn't have been happier doing them. Now what? Maybe a few more days in bed (which will be sadly happening) will lead me to some more opportunities. Crossing my fingers for something just as exciting.

I've had to go through a change in friends. It hasn't been fun and I wish it didn't have to happen. The reality is, we're on different trails and it has been felt that it should remain that way. The feeling isn't mutual but it's happening for a much greater reason than what I am aware of right now. That's what I'm choosing to think anyway.

A lot of negativity has crept in these past couple of weeks. I can feel it, and it's gross. I don't necessarily think negativity is something horrible but I'm happier with out it. Finding the positives in everyday life with EDS isn't easy. Everything is a choice but negativity doesn't count. It sucks up our ability to see things as a choice and makes us fall victim to pessimism and irrationality. I choose not to be a victim of negativity and see things for what they have the potential to be, not for what they couldn't be.

Just when you think life is crazy enough, something else pops up. I have chosen to out-crazy the crazy and just roll with it.

"Life's like a movie, write your own ending."
(Kermit, the Frog)

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